may 6
image/imagine
it's not real unless it's visible. this
is always the case. has always been the case and
will always be the case.
no one has asked me how i am. well they've
asked how i am. but not about this. not
about this and they've asked it about this but they haven't asked me.
i don't like using 'i' in my writing. this
is not about me. it's never about me. someone else's
death is not about me.
glass shattering and bodies falling and bones breaking are not about me.
sometimes i want to avoid all danger not
because i'm afraid for myself but because i don't want/
can't ever see it again.
what a privilege.
you will see it again.
other times i never want to come inside i
want to be everywhere so that if it happens i'll see it and i'll feel it and maybe someone will finally ask me
how i am.
what does it feel like to cry in front of people,
to let others hold some of the weight.
your weight.
what does it feel like to take up space to feel your weight and be okay to
feel your weight and just be.
it's okay if you smoke because you have lots of other vices.
vices
are a made up concept by people who want to sell you problems and then
sell you the solutions.
what you do to feel alright, to survive is not a vice.
the word survive is wrong. self-censorship.
your survival may be easier than others'. it is still survival.
i hope soon i can write something lighter. better. not because lighter is better but because i can't write well about something so
close to me.
i can't write well about something that happened a year and six hours ago.
it's not real unless it's visible. instead of
trying to change your own mind about this, why don't you
make it visible.
share/talk/write/cry/breathe/run/feel.
make it real.